If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that when we split up, I let it destroy me. I am ashamed to admit that.....because I know it means that I made an idol out this man and was guilty of allowing my relationship with him to affect my relationship with God. After we broke up, I was left to not only pick up the pieces of my shattered mental and emotional states, but I was left to have to rebuild my relationship with the Lord. Never, never should I have allowed my relationship to in any way do anything but enhance my relationship with God and help me grow closer to Him.
I became THAT girl that no girl wants to ever be. I was a wreck. I remember the first several weeks following our breakup so vividly....and it makes my skin crawl because I'm still so furious with myself for allowing myself to get to that place. I fell into this horrible pit really, and it was the same routine every single day. I would wake up, take a shower, walk the dog and go to work. I would go through the motions at work to get through the day and then I would go straight home. I would eat a totally unhealthy dinner that seem comforting at the time such as ice cream, cereal or pasta then I'd go lay in the bed. There I would spend the next few hours watching old reruns of Friends and The Cosby Show, of all things. I would put the dog out for the night and then try to go to sleep, most often crying myself to sleep. It was absolutely pathetic....and it's embarrassing to talk about even today.
I became so hyper-emotional. Anything and everything would make me cry. I mean full on, ugly faced crying. Even my job would not distract me for eight hours a day. I remember having to duck into the bathroom, bawl my eyes out real fast, touch up my makeup and go back out into the office. Needless to say, I was not a model employee by any means during that time.
I unconsciously withdrew myself from my normal life. I didn't go out with my friends, I found excuses to not go to church, I didn't go see my family very often because of course they would be nosy about everything.....I spent a lot of time alone. I remember that I had a really hard time praying. I felt like I couldn't bring myself to pray because I was too hurt.
My friends were wonderful. They tried to be there for me as best they could....as much as I'd allow them to. My female friends let me wallow and be crazy because many of them had gone through a similar experience at some point. My Dad, bless his heart, tried extra hard to make me smile and laugh whenever I saw him. My church family was constantly providing encouragement and prayers and reminding me that I was missed at church. I felt very sad and alone, but very well loved.
I remember feeling angry at God because He is the one that impressed on my heart that this relationship needed to end, even though it was the last thing that I wanted. I was angry at Him all over again for taking my Mom away from me too soon because I felt like she was the one person I needed during that time who could have gotten me through it. I felt very far from Him....but in reality it was me who was far away. He was very near all the time, through that whole awful season of life. I just couldn't see Him while in the midst that season.
I lost a big piece of myself. Our break up messed with my mind and my emotional state. It destroyed my sense of value and self-worth. It took away my confidence in myself and men. It turned me into someone I was not and someone who I did not want to be.
The breakup was in April. September came around and for some unknown reason, I started to feel increasingly overwhelmed about my love/passion for orphans and my heart for adoption. I can't even explain it really. I remember spending hours on Compassion International and Show Hope's website reading stories about what God was doing through the organizations.
One day I was out for coffee with a friend and talking about how unhappy we had been lately and how we needed to pray and ask God to help us find our joy once again. I made a completely random statement that if I could do anything with my life I would want to work for Show Hope and be apart of what God was doing there. It caught me by surprise, because I had never really formulated that thought for myself before. Yes, it was an organization I had loved, respected and supported for quite a while, but actually working there had never crossed my mind. Well, I guess it had, but I just didn't let myself realize it.
My friend says to me, "Well, have you ever applied?" I literally laughed out loud at the prospect, because it just seemed so far-fetched. Fast forward a week or two, and my friend tells me that there is a position open at Show Hope and I should apply. It was an assistant position for Chris Wheeler, their Director of Student Initiatives. My mind was spinning at the thought of how God was dealing with my heart and how much I would treasure working for such a beautiful organization in a field I was so in love with.
Long story story, I entered into a rather lengthly interview process. It began with a phone interview with Chris and Charley Redmond. I made it through that stage of the process....then one October day, I found myself driving down to the sweet, beautiful town of Franklin, Tennessee where I would find myself at The Factory in the Show Hope offices for an in-person interview the next morning with Chris, Charley and Mary Beth Chapman.
Yes....THE Mary Beth Chapman. You'd think I would have been crazy nervous, but I felt strangely at peace. Through this process, God was revealing so much to me. I felt more in the center of His will than I ever had in my life. It was amazing.
He brought me to a place where I was able to see my awful breakup in a new light. Had I still been in that relationship in October of that year, I would have likely already relocated to be closer to the man I was dating. I would never have been in Franklin TN for an interview for my dream job in a field I was incredibly passionate about and so in love with. I knew at that point that if I could have been given the choice of the position at Show Hope or having my relationship back, I'd choose the position. That's a vast difference from the girl who was crying in bed watching The Cosby Show for hours on end every evening.
In the end, I didn't get the position. Even though it broke my heart, God gave me a wonderful perspective about the situation. He reminded me about how He awakened deeper passion in my heart for adoption and orphans around the world. He reminded me that through this whole situation, I was able to find myself again and discover a renewed and beautiful relationship with my Savior.
What does the future hold? Will I ever work for Show Hope? God still has not revealed to me how He wants me to be using my heart for adoption and orphan care. But the beauty of that is...I know that I know that He will in His perfect time. Until then, I wait on Him with anticipation trusting that He wouldn't give my heart passion for things He didn't want me to use for His glory.
By the grace of God, the worst breakup of my life changed me in eternal ways....and I'm extraordinarily thankful.
www.showhope.org
www.compassion.com
www.marybethchapman.com
www.chriswheeler.org
findinggodaftermidnight.blogspot.com
www.showhope.org
www.compassion.com
www.marybethchapman.com
www.chriswheeler.org
findinggodaftermidnight.blogspot.com
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