Show Hope and the worst breakup of my life.....

 

It's been a good while since I went through the worst breakup of my life.  I think it's safe to say that he is the only man (thus far) that I have loved like you really should love someone you're in a relationship with.  Looking back on it after some time has passed, God has given me eyes to see all the positive things that this particularly devastating breakup did for me.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that when we split up, I let it destroy me. I am ashamed to admit that.....because I know it means that I made an idol out this man and was guilty of allowing my relationship with him to affect  my relationship with God.  After we broke up, I was left to not only pick up the pieces of my shattered mental and emotional states, but I was left to have to rebuild my relationship with the Lord.  Never, never should I have allowed my relationship to in any way do anything but enhance my relationship with God and help me grow closer to Him.

I became THAT girl that no girl wants to ever be.  I was a wreck.  I remember the first several weeks following our breakup so vividly....and it makes my skin crawl because I'm still so furious with myself for allowing myself to get to that place.  I fell into this horrible pit really, and it was the same routine every single day.  I would wake up, take a shower, walk the dog and go to work.  I would go through the motions at work to get through the day and then I would go straight home.  I would eat a totally unhealthy dinner that seem comforting at the time such as ice cream, cereal or pasta then I'd go lay in the bed.  There I would spend the next few hours watching old reruns of Friends and The Cosby Show, of all things.  I would put the dog out for the night and then try to go to sleep, most often crying myself to sleep.  It was absolutely pathetic....and it's embarrassing to talk about even today.

I became so hyper-emotional.  Anything and everything would make me cry. I mean full on, ugly faced crying.  Even my job would not distract me for eight hours a day.  I remember having to duck into the bathroom, bawl my eyes out real fast, touch up my makeup and go back out into the office.  Needless to say, I was not a model employee by any means during that time.  

I unconsciously withdrew myself from my normal life.  I didn't go out with my friends, I found excuses to not go to church, I didn't go see my family very often because of course they would be nosy about everything.....I spent a lot of time alone.  I remember that I had a really hard time praying. I felt like I couldn't bring myself to pray because I was too hurt.

My friends were wonderful. They tried to be there for me as best they could....as much as I'd allow them to.  My female friends let me wallow and be crazy because many of them had gone through a similar experience at some point.  My Dad, bless his heart, tried extra hard to make me smile and laugh whenever I saw him.  My church family was constantly providing encouragement and prayers and reminding me that I was missed at church.  I felt very sad and alone, but very well loved.

I remember feeling angry at God because He is the one that impressed on my heart that this relationship needed to end, even though it was the last thing that I wanted.  I was angry at Him all over again for taking my Mom away from me too soon because I felt like she was the one person I needed during that time who could have gotten me through it.  I felt very far from Him....but in reality it was me who was far away.  He was very near all the time, through that whole awful season of life.  I just couldn't see Him while in the midst that season.

I lost a big piece of myself.  Our break up messed with my mind and my emotional state.  It destroyed my sense of value and self-worth.  It took away my confidence in myself and men.  It turned me into someone I was not and someone who I did not want to be.

The breakup was in April.  September came around and for some unknown reason, I started to feel increasingly overwhelmed about my love/passion for orphans and my heart for adoption.  I can't even explain it really.  I remember spending hours on Compassion International and Show Hope's website reading stories about what God was doing through the organizations.

One day I was out for coffee with a friend and talking about how unhappy we had been lately and how we needed to pray and ask God to help us find our joy once again.  I made a completely random statement that if I could do anything with my life I would want to work for Show Hope and be apart of what God was doing there.  It caught me by surprise, because I had never really formulated that thought for myself before.  Yes, it was an organization I had loved, respected and supported for quite a while, but actually working there had never crossed my mind.  Well, I guess it had, but I just didn't let myself realize it.

My friend says to me, "Well, have you ever applied?"  I literally laughed out loud at the prospect, because it just seemed so far-fetched.  Fast forward a week or two, and my friend tells me that there is a position open at Show Hope and I should apply.  It was an assistant position for Chris Wheeler, their Director of Student Initiatives.  My mind was spinning at the thought of how God was dealing with my heart and how much I would treasure working for such a beautiful organization in a field I was so in love with.

Long story story, I entered into a rather lengthly interview process.  It began with a phone interview with Chris and Charley Redmond.  I made it through that stage of the process....then one October day, I found myself driving down to the sweet, beautiful town of Franklin, Tennessee where I would find myself at The Factory in the Show Hope offices for an in-person interview the next morning with Chris, Charley and Mary Beth Chapman.

Yes....THE Mary Beth Chapman.  You'd think I would have been crazy nervous, but I felt strangely at peace.  Through this process, God was revealing so much to me.  I felt more in the center of His will than I ever had in my life. It was amazing.

He brought me to a place where I was able to see my awful breakup in a new light.  Had I still been in that relationship in October of that year, I would have likely already relocated to be closer to the man I was dating.  I would never have been in Franklin TN for an interview for my dream job in a field I was incredibly passionate about and so in love with.  I knew at that point that if I could have been given the choice of the position at Show Hope or having my relationship back, I'd choose the position.  That's a vast difference from the girl who was crying in bed watching The Cosby Show for hours on end every evening.

In the end, I didn't get the position.  Even though it broke my heart, God gave me a wonderful perspective about the situation.  He reminded me about how He awakened deeper passion in my heart for adoption and orphans around the world.  He reminded me that through this whole situation, I was able to find myself again and discover a renewed and beautiful relationship with my Savior.

What does the future hold?  Will I ever work for Show Hope?  God still has not revealed to me how He wants me to be using my heart for adoption and orphan care.  But the beauty of that is...I know that I know that He will in His perfect time.  Until then, I wait on Him with anticipation trusting that He wouldn't give my heart passion for things He didn't want me to use for His glory.

By the grace of God, the worst breakup of my life changed me in eternal ways....and I'm extraordinarily thankful.

www.showhope.org
www.compassion.com
www.marybethchapman.com
www.chriswheeler.org
findinggodaftermidnight.blogspot.com

Where your hopes haven't happened yet...

Sometimes I fail to remember that God sees what I cannot.  In the midst of whatever I happen to be going through at a given time, I lose sight of the peace that comes from recognizing that God sees every storm from the other side of it.  He knows the lessons we will learn and He sees the clear sky beyond the clouds.

One of the things I struggle with most is when I have dreams that haven't been given to me yet.  Things I desire for my life that continue to just not happen.  Let me tell you, waiting is tough for me in every sense of the word.  I laugh often with my friends and family and say there isn't a patient bone in my body.  It's funny, but it's completely true.

When some dreams haven't happened yet, I feel like everything in me wants to claw and fight for them.  I feel restless and so discouraged.  But it is then I feel God telling me to be still.  To keep working hard, pressing on and powering through.....and leave my future up to Him.  

He is he God of every story.  He knows how every moment of our lives will pan out.  He sees my life from the point of view that I cannot.  He's knows how my story is going to end up because He wrote it already.

I'm the type of person who hates surprises.  I can't enjoy something unless I know how it's going to end up.  I will read the last chapter of a book before I start at the beginning.  I will read online reviews to know what happened on my favorite shows before I watch them so I know what to expect.  On competition shows, I'll look online to see who won or who got sent home before I watch the show.  I have a hard time relaxing and enjoying the journey of something without knowing how it's all going to end up.

Poor God.  How unfaithful and unbelieving I must look to Him.  (I believe....help thou my unbelief).  I wonder if God sits up there on His throne just laughing away at me watching me fuss and fret about the future and unrealized dreams/unmet desires.  He's read the WHOLE story.  He knows it all ends up okay in the end.

I've read the greater story that's beyond me and my existence.  The Bible tells us that God wins in the end.  And if God wins, so do we as children of God.

I have got to learn to live in the knowledge that God has equipped me for victory.  He has already won the battle for me.  Every battle.  

Oh how much more simple my life would be if I lived out that knowledge more in my life.  Jesus....help me to better trust you.

A new year begins

Here we are again at a new year again.  As always, I find myself completely in awe of the fact that another year has passed.  Time truly does seem to go faster the older I get.

2014 will be a milestone year of sorts for me.  I turn....wait for it....30 years old this year (insert the duh, duh, duh music here).  The age of 30 has haunted me since about age 25 when I realized how close I was creeping to it.  30 has always seemed so old.  When I was a kid, I remember thinking 30 was middle age....haha.

As I look at this new year, I can't help but be brutally honest with myself about how I spent my last year.  I can't honestly say that I lived very well last year.  I can't say I lived with purpose or intention.  I can't say I made the best decisions.  I can't say that I lived freely and enjoyed the beauty of my salvation.  I can't say I lived with eyes open for new experiences or new relationships.  I can't say I lived eternity minded.  I can't say I lived in freedom and excitement about the future.

If I'm honest with myself, I spent 2013 with a broken heart over my relationship that ended.  I spent it chasing dreams that God had long since said "no" or "not yet" to.  I spent it fighting for things I knew in my heart was either not what I needed or not what God desired for me.  I spent is mourning the loss of plans, dreams, desires and in essence, my Plan A.  I spent it just existing....just spinning my wheels and going through the motions.

I never have any success with New Years resolutions.  I start great, fall off track, get discouraged and then eventually just forget about them.  They overwhelm me. There's so much I want....so many changes I want to make....but they seem unattainable.  Then a new year comes, I make many of the same resolutions again and sabotage myself yet again.  It's a terribly vicious cycle.

Today I read a post over on (in)courage (which is a fantastic site and I completely recommend you check it out...see the link on my sidebar) that totally changed my perspective on New Years resolutions.  It suggested that we select one word to be our focus for this new year of 2014.  I am very enthused and refreshed by this idea because focusing on just one word seems possible and attainable.  I think I can do this without getting too overwhelmed and falling off course.

My hope for 2014 is that I can start living again with freedom and expectancy....excitedly awaiting the next great thing God will do in my heart and in my life.  I want to be constantly in awe of Him and take better notice of His everyday graces.  I want my eyes to be open to rewriting my story.  Moving away from and putting aside my Plan A and rewriting a Plan B while trying to discern what God wants for my life.


So my one word for 2014.....REWRITING (thus the blog title).


I figured blogging would be a great way to share what God is doing in my heart.  If you happen to visit, my prayer for you is that God will use my experiences to encourage you.  Be sure to let me know you stopped by!  Happy New Year to you!  Bring on 2014!